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13.)
The Higher The Hair, The Closer To God (Cloud Rule)
The more outrageous his hairstyle, the more important a male character is to the story.
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27.)
Nostradamus Rule
All legends are 100% accurate. All rumors are entirely factual. All prophecies will come true, and not just someday but almost immediately.
[Ahem, see Shabti.]
39.)
"What are we going to do tonight, Vinsfeld?"
The goal of every game (as revealed during the Fake Ending) is to Save the World from an evil figure who's trying to take it over or destroy it. There is no way to escape from this formidable task. No matter whether the protagonist's goal in life is to pay off a debt, to explore distant lands, or just to make time with that cute girl in the blue dress, it will be necessary for him to Save the World in order to accomplish it. Take heart, though -- once the world gets sorted out, everything else will fall into place almost immediately.
[Yu-Gi-Oh starts out as a fanciful tale of boys and their cardgames which escalates into men and their card games trying to steal ancient doomsday artifacts and unleash chaos.]
54.)
I Don't Like Gears Or Fighting
There are always giant robots. Always.
[The Winged Dragon of Ra looks like a robot to me. I'm sure if I actually paid attention to the monsters I'd probably find more.]
61.)
Henchman Quota (Nana, Saki, and Mio Rule)
One of your antagonists will have three lovably incompetent stooges whom you fight over and over again. Although they're trusted with their boss's most important plans and equipment, they will screw up repeatedly, argue incessantly among themselves, blab secret information, and generally only come out victorious when their job was to be a diversion or a delaying tactic. A high point of the game will come when the True Villain reveals himself and you're able to convince the stooges you're all on the same side. They won't help you out any more successfully than they helped the antagonist, but at least you won't have to fight them any more.
[Pegasus has the Radical Hair Man and the two Invisible Gun Men. There's also Lead Henchman, the Paradox Brothers, that stupid gay clown, and what's-his-name with the enormous chin. Obviously Pegasus went way overboard with his henchman quota. Damn card game empire builders! None of them actually turn against Pegasus but with their complete incompetence they might as well.]
62.)
Thousand Year RuleThe Ancient Evil returns to savage the land every thousand years on the dot, and the last time it showed up was just about 999.9875 years ago. Despite their best efforts, heroes of the past were never able to do more than seal the Evil away again for the future to deal with (which brings up the question of just how exactly does this "sealing away" work anyway, but never mind.) The good news is that this time, the Evil will get destroyed permanently. The bad news is that you're the one who's going to have to do it.
[I'm not sure what year Yu-Gi-Oh is supposed to take place in or how long it's been since Egypt screwed over the world with their damn insistence on fighting with real monsters but if I had to wager I'd guess it's probably in the "millenial cycle" cliche.]
64.)
Ayn Rand's Revenge
Outside the major cities, there is no government whatsoever. Of course, perhaps that explains why it's so difficult and dangerous to get anywhere outside the major cities.
[Hence the reason there are never cops around in Yu-Gi-Oh and going to the police is a complete waste of time.]
79.)
Xenobiology Rule
The predatory species of the world will include representatives of all of the following: giant spiders, giant scorpions, giant snakes, giant beetles, wolves, squid, fish that float in midair, gargoyles, golems, carnivorous plants, chimeras, griffons, cockatrices, hydras, minotaurs, burrowing things with big claws, things that can paralyze you, things that can put you to sleep, things that can petrify you, at least twenty different creatures with poisonous tentacles, and dragons. Always dragons.
[The world of Yu-Gi-Oh would be alot more interesting if those uppity Egyptians hadn't sealed away every monster in existance. If only PETA were around back then we'd have cuddly dragons to tuck our little ones in at night.]
90.)
Guy in the Street Rule
No matter how fast you travel, rumors of world events always travel faster. When you get to anywhere, the people on the street are already talking about where you've been. The stories of your past experiences will spread even if no witnesses were around to see them.
[Just how exactly did the world know that Yugi beat Kaiba in that first episode? What, was he broadcasting on CNN how he kidnapped and beat a crippled old man?]
95.)
Selective Invulnerability Principle
RPG characters are immune from such mundane hazards as intense heat, freezing cold, or poison gas... except when they're suddenly not. Surprise!
[Joey is alright after jumping in the ocean. This doesn't cure him of his stupidity. Unfortunately.
The characters are also fine with such small inconvienances as being trapped in complete darkness, falling, firestorms two feet away and sleep deprivation. Apparently they only need to eat at long intervals because they entire time they're in Deulist Kingdom they only eat once they're at Pegasus' castle, at the END of the tournament. For this reason they obviously don't need to go to the bathroom either.]
97.)
Three Females Rule
There will always be either one or three female characters in the hero's party, no matter how many male characters there are.
[Tea is only girl in the posse. There are three other guys. I'm not including Bakura in either side. Enough said.]
99.)
Law of Reverse Evolution (Zeboim Principle)
Any ancient civilizations are inexplicably much more advanced than the current one.
[The ancient egyptians could build powerful artifacts capable of bending time and space to their will but were without such nuances as modern combustion engines. /boggle]
105.)
Law of Mooks
Soldiers and guards working for the Evil Empire are, as a rule, sloppy, cowardly and incompetent. Members of the heroic Resistance Faction are, as a rule, dreadfully weak and under trained and will be wiped out to the last man the moment they come in contact with the enemy.
108.)
You Do Not Talk About Fight Club
Any fighting tournament or contest of skill you hear about, you will eventually be forced to enter and win.
[*cough* Duelist Kingdom *cough]
119.)
Don't Stand Out
Any townsperson who is dressed oddly or otherwise doesn't fit in with the rest of the townsfolk will either:
- Join your party after you complete some task,
- Be in the employ of your enemy, or
- Befriend any female member of the party, and then be immediately captured and held hostage by the villains.
128.)
First Law of Fashion
All characters wear a single costume which does not change over the course of the game. The only exception is when characters dress up in enemy uniforms to infiltrate their base.
129.)
Second Law of Fashion
Any character's costume, no matter how skimpy, complicated, or simply outlandish, is always completely suitable to wear when climbing around in caves, hiking across the desert, and slogging through the sewers. It will continue to be completely suitable right afterwards when said character goes to meet the King.
[See the above law.]
143.)
Falling Rule
An RPG character can fall any distance onto anything without suffering anything worse than brief unconsciousness. In fact, falling a huge distance is an excellent cure for otherwise fatal wounds -- anyone who you see shot, stabbed, or mangled and then tossed off a cliff is guaranteed to return later in the game with barely a scratch.
[This law applies even if you're an ancient evil spirit trapped inside an inanimate object thrown off a cliff. Seconds later said item will be safely back in the hands of your unwitting host by the power of the almight plot. If you're Seto Kaiba you have added invulnerability in that you can scale any surface one-handed. Is it any wonder that when he threatened to kill himself it was a threat to jump off a cliff. Pssh, if only Yugi knew that Kaiba is immune to falling damage.]
156.)
Sephiroth Memorial Escape Clause
Any misdeed up to and including multiple genocide is forgivable if you're cool enough.
[*cough* Bakura *cough*]
179.)
The Best-Laid Schemes
The final villain's grand scheme will have involved the deaths of thousands or even millions of innocent people, the clever manipulation of governments, armies, and entire populations, and will have taken anywhere from five to five thousand years to come to fruition. The hero will come up with a method of undoing this plan forever in less than five minutes.
[This is related to Law 105. When all your help is moronically inclined what's an evil overlord to do?]
181.)
Poetic Villain Principle (Kefka Rule)
All villains will suddenly become poets, philosophers, and/or dramatic actors when a) they first meet the hero, b) they are about to win or their evil plan is finally ready, c) some major event in the game is about to begin, d) right before the final battle, and e) right before they die, when they will frequently be feeling generous enough to reward you with some homespun wisdom about making the most of life while you have it.
[This is directly related to this video.]
189.)
The Moral Of The Story (Ghaleon Rule)
Every problem in the universe can be solved by finding the right long-haired pretty boy and beating the crap out of him.
191.)
The Ultimate RuleAnything called "Ultima (whatever)" or "Ultimate (whatever)" isn't. There's always at least one thing somewhere in the world which is even more.
